CW: Suicidal ideation
It has been several months since I last posted – there has been a lot going on.
It’s coming up to a year since I started this blog. I was in a desperately dark place when I began. On reflection, many, many things have changed in that year, but I still find myself in that deep, dark place. It has to be said that when I hit that low 11 months ago, it led to something of a rebound and a number of positive changes. So I guess me job is to keep going…
The main thing that has been happening for me is that my marriage has broken down and i’m separating from my wife. I don’t think there’s much merit in going through the ugly details. I have changed, she has changed, our lives have been incredibly difficult and we have grown apart. We have very few positive interactions, our lives are lived separately in the same house except when we combine for childcare. My feelings for her have gone. We’ve been together 20 years. I look back and realise how much I have grown and changed over the last couple of those, and that I am no longer willing to sacrifice my own life to avoid inconveniencing others.
There has been incredible strain during this process of 4-5 months. I’m currently house hunting, going to move in with a couple of friends who currently live at home for various reasons. It’s going to be the start of the rest of my life.
I’m not sure what that life will look like, but I feel both excited and vulnerable. Some interactions i’ve had with people in the last few months have been a bit of a preview I suppose. I am no longer taking the safe route, staying in my lane, apologising for my existence. But with that comes danger.
I am pretty open with people. Some people will appreciate that, some people won’t. I have made a number of really good friends through being out of the house much more recently, opening up and sharing experiences. This is so so valuable. I have met people who make me feel good about myself, some that do the opposite, some that do both. Some who want to know about me but then don’t like what they find. Some who are more accepting than that.
It feels like I should have been doing this 20 years ago to be honest.
Not that I have too many regrets.
I realise how emotionally unstable I am at the moment though. On top of the stress of separation, my daughter starts school in September and we have had all the planning for her severe allergies to deal with. That has been filling me with anxiety to be honest.
Then, last week, my grandad passed away. His wife was the one who abused me in my own home when i was the same age as my daughter is now. My dad took it upon himself to ‘console’ me by telling me he knows how much I loved grandad (sorry, but not true) and how i’ll be relieved he’s going back to his darling wife in heaven. Wrong in so many ways, and upsetting on a number of levels.
I’m also going through EMDR therapy to process trauma. Sometimes this leads to very difficult times between sessions, and i’ve been having night terrors where I feel paralysed while being attacked.
On Saturday night the strain of all of this and some other things I won’t go into was too much. I was at the train tracks ready to end things. My life was in the balance while I questioned whether my daughter will be better off with me dead or alive. I truly believed that I was broken with nothing to offer, unable to cope, unable to be loved, not needed and with what felt like physical pain tearing my chest apart.
Thankfully (i think) a couple of friends talked me out of it. But I feel absolutely horrendous. I have a heavy heart, tears always at the ready, I am looking at the day ahead wondering whether I can actually cope with being conscious for the next 18 hours.
I have broken down so many walls. Left myself exposed. I’m embarking on a new life and it is extremely vulnerable. But I have to believe positive things will be around the corner. I will soon be moved out and with that should come a big reduction in daily stress levels. I hope that I will in fact have a better relationship with my daughter as a result of the separation. I will actually get alone with her, instead of being constantly monitored and criticised. It’s time to be my own man and find out what that looks like.
I truly believe there is strength in vulnerability. Many people believe the strength comes from locking feelings up, not talking about them, being able to function in their lives as they need to despite being deeply hurt. I’ve now discovered that you can only do that for so long. Opening up causes pain, real and severe pain, but it also leads to healing.
And THAT is where the strength is.
I’m just going to finish here. My annual purchase of the wordpress tools to manage this blog will expire soon. I’m not sure I can afford to renew it, or whether it is worth doing so. Hopefully my posts will still be visible and I truly hope that they have helped someone somewhere.
Thanks for reading and take care of yourself.